I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
How's work?
Spinning.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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