I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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