I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
