nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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