Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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