Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
