I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
