how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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