o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
