Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
