My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
