I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
