Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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