genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
