It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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