So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
