I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
