so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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