i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
