Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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