I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
