hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
