enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
