I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
