so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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