Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
