The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
