You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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