he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
