meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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