oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
