I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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