I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
