Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
