I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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