Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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