her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
