I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
