Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
