the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
