Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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