The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
