when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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