hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
