I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
