I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
