this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
