***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
