True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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