I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Sext me about skeletons
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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