Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I FOUND THE LEGS
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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