babies were throwing up all over the place
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
