Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
