I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
