Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
