This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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