At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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