My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
no, he came in my armpit
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize