just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The beers last night were like the tears from god
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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