Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
