You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
