i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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